Details of Charles Oakley"s incident at MSG | Clippers vs Knicks | Feb 8, 2017 | 2016-17 NBA Season
Charles Oakley was arrested at Madison Square Garden in the first quarter of the Knicks-Clippers game for yelling at James Dolan and then fighting security.
Oakley is well-known as a terrifying man, in the sense that he could probably beat up G*d if he wanted to. During his NBA career, he was a feared enforcer who got into a multitude of fights.
After his arrest, I wondered if theres ever a situation that would call for someone to engage Oakley willingly, and how desperate it has to be for a human being to make such a bad decision. Heres what I came up with:
You come home from work and the gym. Youve spent the last two hours doing one or two reps at a machine before spending the rest of the time on your phone, so obviously youre tired. You go to turn on the lights only to find out that the bulb went out. Centennial Light, my a*s, you mumble.
And thats when you notice a very large figure seated in your living room chair.
Before you can ask who he is and what hes doing in your house, he addresses you.
Ive been expecting you, he says. He sounds like Carmelo Anthony, so you reply, Wait, Carmelo Anthony?
He darts up. No, Im not Carmelo Anthony! Im and then theres an awkward silence between the two of you as he tries to think of a code name. Never mind who I am! The point is that I have your wife and kids and the only way that youre getting them back is if you bring me Phil Jacksons Book of Zen before midnight. Otherwise ...
Immediately you have a lot of questions, like what is going on? and why that book? and of course, what wife and kids?
He says that once he has that book, Jackson will be powerless and he can defeat him. He tells you that the book is in Jacksons office in Madison Square Garden and that its being guarded day and night by Charles Oakley. You will have to defeat him in hand-to-hand combat to get it.
Charles Oakley? you ask incredulously. Youre crazy, Im not doing that. He once took someones baby out of a mans hands before he slapped him.
The shadowy figure then tells you that if you dont complete the mission, youll never save your parents, which is odd because he supposedly had your wife and kids; but before you can gather more, hes gone. Just like Carmelo Anthony to disappear when you need him.
Anyways, you get in your car and begin driving to Madison Square Garden. It suddenly starts snowing hard, which is odd considering that climate change is a Chinese hoax. As you contemplate this at a stop light, a bewildered man rambling about a unicorn runs right past your car. You look closer and notice that the man looks just like a disheveled Derrick Rose. Whatever, theres no time for that. Your parents and/or wife and kids need you.
Roses game has resembled a homeless mansPhoto by Scott Halleran/Getty ImagesWhen you arrive at MSG, Joakim Noah is there waiting for you. He tells you that before you can get to Oakley, you will need to defeat him and a few others.
Im sworn to defend Phil Jackson at any cost, he says. Its written in my $72 million contract.
He slowly lunges at you, but before he can reach you, his body breaks down and disintegrates into dust. Somehow he manages to miss a layup in the process.
You run into three people next. They all look alike. You really cant tell them apart. They start beating you up. Badly. I mean elbows and everything. Its awful actually, youre not even fighting back. Then it hits you not just their boots to your face, but who they are and how to defeat them. They are the Plumlee brothers and you need to point out which one is Marshall for it to end. Emboldened, you pull out your phone and hold it up in the air. A video of Blake Griffin continuously posterizing Marshall starts playing and you notice one of them wince at the sight. To him you whisper, Cody Zeller is better than youll ever be.
A tear rolls down his eye, and Marshall collapses into the arms of his brothers, who take him away.
Knicks owner James Dolan has turned his team into a laughingstock.Getty ImagesIts almost midnight now and you run towards Jacksons office. Two James Dolans appear in your path. They speak in unison: One of us always lies and the other always tells the truth. Before you can go inside and face charles oakley, you must point out which one of us is the liar and which one is honest based on our following declarations.
The first says: The Knicks will be relevant in five years.
The second says: The Knicks will be relevant in 10 years.
You think about the current job of the Phil Jackson regime, about the Linsanity period, the Mike Woodson era, the collapse of the Amare Stoudemire and Anthony duo, Mike DAntoni and J.R. Smith, their attempt at wooing LeBron James, losing by 50 points to Dallas, selecting Jordan Hill eighth in the draft, Isiah Thomas as President and the fact they havent won a championship since 1973. Its a trick question.
The Knicks will never be relevant again, you proclaim. They will hit a new rock bottom every year.
The Dolans nod to each other and smile. They open the door.
Inside you see the gray, but still very large and intimidating Oakley. Like, hes pretty big. Hes scary as h**l. As you go to explain to him that you need the book to save your parents and the wife and kids you never knew you had, he grabs you by the neck, lifts you off the ground with one arm and slaps you continuously with the other hand until you pass out from the pain.
You wake up outside on the ground. A large, bald man is standing over you. As your senses come to you, you realize that its Charles Barkley. Theres never a time where you should try to fight Oakley. Leave that man alone, he says. He starts laughing derisively, calls you turrible and walks off.
Source: http://www.sbnation.com/2017/2/9/14558262/new-york-knicks-charles-oakley-james-dolan-msg
