How to trash talk an Alabama football fan

NCAA Football. Florida vs Alabama full game SEC Championship 2015

Note: The following commentary was written in conjunction with AL.com for tonight"s College Football Playoff between Alabama and Michigan State. In honor of the Cotton Bowl, we"ve asked Alabama reporter Haley Laurence to give Spartans fans a guide to trash talking the Tide. See our guide on "How to trash talk a Michigan State fan" here.

Hi, Spartan fans. I hear you have a pretty big football game coming up on New Year"s Eve against a pretty formidable opponent. Y"all will definitely have to fight for a win against Derrick Henry and Co.

One thing you won"t have to fight hard for? A victory in the trash-talking game. Why is that? Well, because I"m about to help you with that. After living in the Crimson-clad state for almost three decades as an Auburn fan, I know exactly what to say to get Bama fans agitated and man, do their faces get red when they get mad. You really should see it for yourself. It"s almost kind of precious.

But enough of that. Here"s what you need to say to make sure you"re at the top of the trash-talking game.

Mention their mythical national championships

For some irrational reason, Bama fans love talking about their 15 national championships. If you talk to a Bama fan, he or she will probably say "Got 15?" multiple times in the first two minutes. (Pro tip: Just make a drinking game out of it. Every time a Bama fan mentions the number "15," just take a drink. You"ll need all the booze you can get to get through the conversation.)

The problem with all these national championships? No one else recognizes 15 except for the university. If you want to make the Crimson Tide fans really fume, just bring up 1941 when the team finished third in the SEC and 20th in the AP poll but still claim a national championship for that year. It really makes no sense, like the time Scarlett Johansson dated Sean Penn. (Really, ScarJo, what were you thinking?)

Tell them houndstooth is ugly

Legendary Crimson Tide coach Paul "Bear" Bryant was a fan of houndstooth, and no Bama fan will ever, ever forget that. Houndstooth is everywhere in Alabama. It"s on groomsmen cakes. It"s on Christmas trees. It"s on probably 5 percent of all clothing. I haven"t seen a houndstooth tombstone yet, but I"m pretty sure it exists and is located in the state of Alabama.

Call them "Gumps"

Many Bammer fans are OK with being called Bammers, but there"s one no-no: They don"t respond well to being called a Gump. Here"s the definition straight from the world"s pre-eminent news source, Urban Dictionary: "A typical Alabama football fan. Usually so delusional that they think Bear Bryant is still alive. They also believe that Nick Satan actually likes the toothless fanbase. So, naturally, call them Gumps.

Ask them if they participated in the "Running of the Gumps"

OK, here"s some background. Each year, the University hosts Alabama Fan Day, where Bammers get to watch the Crimson Tide scrimmage and yada yada yada. Here"s the clincher: At the end of the day, the thousands of fans who show up get an opportunity to meet the players and coaching staff yes, including Nick Saban. The catch? They gotta run down the field to get to them.

This, of course, leads to an embarrassing, embarrassing scene. It"s what you would imagine if Apple offered new 1-cent Macbooks on Black Friday and Nick Saban is a Macbook. (Although, real talk: Saban is definitely more of a PC man.) But I"ll stop explaining and let you watch it. Seriously, it must be watched.

Remind them that this man runs their offense

(Photo by Vasha Hunt, vhunt@al.com)Gillian Van Stratt | gvanstratt@mlive.com Tell them you plan to storm the field and tear down the goalposts when you win

One thing that Bama fans are mighty proud of: The fact that, for all we know, no one has stormed the field after a victory at Bryant-Denny Stadium, and they"ve especially never torn down a goalpost there. They"re just so used to victory, according to them, that they"d never resort to anything so uncouth. (This is the perfect time to scroll back up to the Running of the Gumps.)

Once again, the logic really makes no sense, but by now we"ve established that very few things they do make sense. But the joke"s on them. Storming the field after a major win is fun, and who wants to argue with fun? Auburn had plenty of fun storming the field after the 2013 Iron Bowl which leads to ...

Ask them if they have a second ...

If there"s anything that a Bammer is tired of, it"s hearing about the 2013 Iron Bowl. In one second, all of their SEC and national championship hopes were obliterated for the season, and it ended all chances of a three-peat national championship.So, obviously ask them if they have a second.

Or just mention the Kick Six in general

See above.

Tell them Saban"s leaving Alabama after this season

Each year, rumors begin that Saban is ready to leave Bama. All of them have thus far been unfounded, but that doesn"t mean that the Crimson Tide faithful doesn"t get anxious near the end of each season.

The magic words to make it sound like you"re in the know? Tell them, "Miss Terry (his wife) is unhappy in Tuscaloosa and wants to move." Works every time.

Just say Cam Newton"s name

Noted Bama Arch Nemesis Cam Newton is in the news almost every day, and that displeases most Bammers. What displeases Bammers makes for excellent trash talk.

Sing a reverse "Rammer Jammer" to them

After each win, even to cupcake schools, Crimson Tide fans chant "Rammer Jammer" to the opposing team, which includes classy lines such as "We just beat the h**l out of you."Luckily, Auburn"s already created a reverse "Rammer Jammer" that"s up for use.

Call them "Harvey Updykes"

Updyke is known for poisoning Auburn"s famous Oak trees at Toomer"s Corner, and Bammers hate it when you compare them to him. So, obviously, call them that. A lot. Ask them if they plan on destroying any East Lansing landmarks. (But seriously, East Lansing: Guard your city.)

Source: http://www.mlive.com/spartans/index.ssf/2015/12/how_to_trash_talk_an_alabama_f.html